Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
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Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you