Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
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HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.