Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
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Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.