Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
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[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.