Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
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It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Lube but for my dry humor.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
the battle rages on
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.