1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
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her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
where do you see yourself in five years?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up