Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
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Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.