MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
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the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I really had high hopes for this year though
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Respect
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I’d … I’d rather not.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.