“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
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this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Doug is just Canadian for dog
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.