Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
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Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Tier 3 meme
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.