Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.