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High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game