Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
You Might Also Like
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.