“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
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my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…