My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
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Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Any refunds available?…
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.