I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Whoa 😂
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded