If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
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my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
yeah 😭
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.