you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
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Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Effort made
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.