I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
the rocks need my help
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.