I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
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My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.