*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
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[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.