I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
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*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
All generalizations are stupid.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…