It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.