My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
You Might Also Like
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Omg 🤣
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh