Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
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Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
🙅🏻
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.