Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
You Might Also Like
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.