Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Previously On Persistence 😎
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?