The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
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People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will