when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
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Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??