My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
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[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
how much for the angry fruit?
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
next level snooze
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I’m already scared
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Bring back the McRib
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too