Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
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First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”