I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
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Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
no such thing as a dumb question
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
wow
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.