One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
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“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.