Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
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A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?