Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
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Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”