Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
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Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.