[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
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RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
The dark side of Canada
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.