Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
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In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
me working on my assignments ^-^
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.