My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
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me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
See..?
.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?