[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
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Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?