*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos