Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I wish this was real life…
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Well, this is awkward