*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
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I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I have a type: disappointing
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.