just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
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8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
wtf is a larm clock?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward