If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
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All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
SPLOOT
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.