This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
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[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B