All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I unironically love this joke.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?