[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
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Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.