My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
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When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Finally! 😈
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.