Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
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My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.